That’s right, folks. Today is the last Sunday of the rest of the year, as the the NFL season starts next Thursday and we see an (almost) full slate of games next Sunday on our favorite local CBS affiliate. Or, if you have DirecTV, you can catch all the games with “NFL Sunday Package”, or something like that!
All terrible jokes aside, if you’re not pumped up for this NFL season, you probably don’t have a spine. It’s really easy to check, too. Just put your hand behind you, and….OK, I’ll shut up already with the bad jokes. I don’t even know why I call them jokes, I’m just kind of making myself look bad. Now if there was only some way to get rid of words that I’ve already written…some kind of “Delete” key or something of that sort…
Alright, that was the last one. I promise.
Continue reading for my predictions regarding division winners, the Super Bowl, player awards, and all of the mumbo-jumbo like that which everyone loves.
First, we’ll start with the division winners and wild cards.
- AFC East: New England Patriots
- AFC North: Baltimore Ravens
- AFC South: Indianapolis Colts
- AFC West: San Diego Chargers
- AFC Wild Card: Cincinatti Bengals
- AFC Wild Card: Houston Texans
- NFC East: Dallas Cowboys
- NFC North: Green Bay Packers
- NFC South: New Orleans Saints
- NFC West: San Francisco 49ers
- NFC Wild Card: Minnesota Vikings
- NFC Wild Card: New York Giants
A few things you’ll notice from that. No New York Jets. Call me a hater and let Rex Ryan take a dump on my couch, but I will never buy into the Jets hype, or as I like to call it: “Everyone’s Buyin’ Ryan”. (Shut up, it does make some sense.) Regardless of what you like to name specific hype machines, I don’t see what everyone else sees. Adding the league’s streakiest cornerback in Antonio Cromartie, and the league’s biggest has-been Ladanian Tomlinson, who won’t excel in the Jets’ system anyway, does not make a team the best in the NFL. And I haven’t even mentioned Darrelle Revis. He’s really good, if you didn’t know that by now. I wouldn’t call him the best in the NFL, considering that he’ll never have another season like he did last year, but without the stud cornerback, the Jets’ defense is significantly less intimidating.
Now, onto the playoffs!
- AFC Championship: Indianapolis Colts vs. New England Patriots
- NFC Championship: Green Bay Packers vs. New Orleans Saints
- Super Bowl: Indianapolis Colts vs. Green Bay Packers
- Super Bowl Champion: Green Bay Packers
Oh wow, I really did just type that. Colts vs. Patriots and Packers vs. Saints. Predictable much? To put it plainly, I know that I showed no originality with these picks. I know that any casual fan would make these picks without having to know much of anything about football or the NFL. And that’s why I made them. The four teams mentioned are far and away the best, most talented, and deepest teams in the NFL. Picking against them would be complete idiocy. I like the Ravens as a Super Bowl contender, as do I like the Bengals, Chargers, Texans, Vikings, Cowboys, and Giants. But think about it. If anyone can make a legitimate argument that any of those seven teams are smarter picks than the four I made, I’ll let Rex Ryan take a dump on my couch. Again. The playoffs are such a crapshoot. It’s a mix of momentum, emotion, talent, and experience, and in the end, it’s impossible to predict. That’s why I don’t be ambitious with these picks. It’s just not a smart thing to do.
Go on to page 2 for awards predictions.