Why Your Team Will Suck This Year: AFC Edition


The good people at Tailgate 365, not to sound obsessed by mentioning them so much lately, had a cool idea.  They wanted fans of every NFL team to comment about why their favorite team will stink up the joint in this upcoming season.  So, here I am, about to give a reason for each NFL team on why they will go 0-16.  Or at least something close to it.  I had this as a full league post, but decided it was a bit too big, and decided to split it up into two parts.  This is the AFC Edition.


AFC North

  • Cincinnati Bengals: Hello there, Cincinnati Bengals.  Didn’t see you there because of the 19 years of irrelevance your franchise has had, sans that 11-5 campaign in 2005. Here’s why your Men in Stripes will smell like rotten eggs this year. Your quarterback never seems to be fully healthy, your defense is a joke and your top receiver might be clinically insane. Also, your coaches let the clinically insane receiver kick extra points and kickoffs.
  • Cleveland Browns: Hey “Doggies of the Pound,” as I like to call you, your team will inevitably suck a whole bunch.  You have two inept quarterbacks, one who knows more about brands of hair styling gel than your playbook.  You sign almost every backup the Ravens dump off their roster, and your #1 receiver isn’t clinically insane, but in jail.
  • Pittsburgh Steelers:

    Your starting QB is definitely going to be distracted this season, with the sex felon thing and all, your most consistent running back last year was Mewelde Moore and teams not called the “New England Patriots” don’t have any shot to repeat a Super Bowl in the 21st century. So, inevitably, your team will suck compared to last year.

  • Baltimore Ravens: It’s the whole NFL, so I have to. Our team gets a lot of penalties. We have one tight end (Heap) who’s always injured, another new tight end (Smith), who is currently and always injured, a tight end who got married in the stadium (Wilcox) and a tight end who’s out for the year (Sypniewski).
  • AFC East:

    • Miami Dolphins: Chad Pennington is your quarterback. Ricky Williams is your #2 running back.  Your defense is mediocre, at best.  I can’t think of anything clever, except that you choked big time in that playoff game last year.
    • Buffalo Bills: You spent big bucks for Terrell Owens, a guy who has always had good QBs (I’ll consider Romo a good QB, just because of his stats).  Your QB is Trent Edwards.  Err, not so good.  And by signing him, you ruined the best thing you had going for you, Lee Evans.  Also, your starting safety may or may not have said “Don’t tase me, bro!”  Second coming of Pacman Jones, anyone?
    • New England Patriots: Is it only me that noticed that your backup QBs are quite good, even after being thoroughly scouted and determined as not very good?  Could it possibly be that you know every play that every other defense runs?  And now that your offensive coordinator is gone, your quarterback will obviously fall back into obscurity and throw 50 interceptions, and very few touchdowns.
    • New York Jets: Ha ha ha ha ha, this should be fun.  Your head coach only got a job because of his daddy, and then rose to prominence using Mike Nolan’s strategies and formations.  Your quarterback is probably the most heralded USC quarterback of all-time.  Oh wait, no, he’s the 3rd most heralded in the last 10 years.  Your center’s name is Mangold, which is funny for whatever reason, and you are becoming the new Cleveland Browns, except you sign former Ravens that weren’t even drafted.  No love lost for former Ravens on this blog, huh?

    AFC West:

    Kansas City Chiefs

    : Your GM is the New England Patriots’ former Personnel Director (read: cheater), your new head coach was the offensive coordinator of an offense that passed the ball 630 times, and ran it only 340 times.  Translation: Use the quarterback who was the product of a cheating system to flush your offense down the drain, and sparingly use the running back who has a track record of being great with lots of carries.

  • Oakland Raiders: Your owner is a shriveled, creepy old man, your coaches like to “go” with each other, you picked a QB who will never be any good with the #1 pick, and a wide receiver who was late first round at best at #7.  Your team is full of speed, but none of them know how to read!!!!
  • San Diego Chargers: Your coach used to be the offensive coordinator for the 49ers.  THE 49ERS!!!! WITH ALEX SMITH!!!! Also, your best defensive player is a juicer, your top cornerback sets very high expectations for himself (14 interceptions) and ends up waaayyy below them (2 interceptions).  And, Ed Hochuli doesn’t like you.  (Pencil in a loss whenever Hochuli is in stripes for the Bolts this year)
  • Denver Broncos: You traded away your star Golden Boy crybaby QB, your top receiver has a secret desire to be a punter, and your coach will probably be the offensive equivalent of Eric Mangini, taking over a good team when they don’t need a new coach.  I will give him points for knowing every other NFL team’s whole defensive playbook, though.
  • Well, there it is.  I’d like your take on your own favorite team, if you are another team’s fan.

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